Some of my recent posts seem to be about typical about personalities. I have recently written on Cancer ascendant, Leo ascendant and Scorpio ascendant, abuse in relationships, criminal mindsets, dominating spouses and unhappiness in marriage because of the typical nature of one of the partners etc. All these posts are from an astrological point of view. Every relationship is based on equitable principles. Both should enjoy each others company and support each other. Express affection and also receive it. Generally be honest so that there are no devastating revelations later. But this does not happen always in real life. As an astrologer, you will see this darker side of life and emotions very often.
Here are a few things which if you are going through, can be termed ‘abuse’. And if you are doing these things to your significant other, do take a step back and review yourself, is this is the correct thing to do?
Narcissistic people will always be around you. You might have an office-mate who behaves like this or you know someone in your social circle who is a narcissist. But when you are in a relationship with such a person, or married to one, or your parent or a sibling is like this, or someone like this pretends to be your best buddy and ruins you, your emotions, your mind, then you should know what is really happening to you. And take active steps to come out of this abusive relationship.
It can be a physical injury sometimes but it is always a very deep hurt on the emotional and mental levels for the victim. And it can take a long time to recover from these invisible hurts. A narcissist in your life will use your abilities for his own needs, run rough-shod over your emotions, cause trauma in your life and never care. He will not acknowledge that he made you cry. Or if you go in depression because of his behaviour or sit in the house for 15days alone, he will not bother or ask how you are doing or help you regain your balance. He might rationalise his actions and justify that he did the correct thing. He thinks that if you got hurt by his actions is your problem, he is not responsible. Some narcissists also have a core of sadism so might actually enjoy hurting you.
Most narcissist people often have suffered in their childhood, broken homes, lack of love, arguments between parents, etc. One does feel sorry for their personal traumas. But you see, if someone never got love, he has two choices,
- To learn from the negative example and give love to others and especially to those who genuinely love you. You know how it felt and you do not want others to feel like this because of your behaviour. This means that the lesson is well learnt and the negative emotions have been transmuted into positivity.
- To behave with others who love you now in the same hurtful manner. ie never give them love or emotional comfort or if they offer love, be unable to accept it. ‘If I did not get it why should I give it to others?’ This means that the lesson has not been learnt and the same situation will repeat in future/ future lives again.
But not all are mature enough to choose option 1 as it requires work. Most prefer option 2 as it does not require self-analysis or self-introspection or working on the mind-set and behaviour, this negativity has become a ‘comfort zone’.
I know a woman whose mother was an extreme case of arrogance, self-centred behaviour, stuffed with self-importance, lacking sympathy or love or good-will for her daughter and controlled this woman till she died. Of course both horoscopes showed typical several combinations indicating this result, eg the mother had a debilitated but strong Sun in the 1st house, the typical reading here is a controlling and possessive parent and some more combinations. The daughter had a Pisces moon in the 6th house, aspected by Saturn, Sun has the lowest shad-bala in her chart etc several combinations which made the reading heavily manifest in their lives.
An exercise for you now. Open your family charts collection, check out which relative has the Sun with the lowest power in his chart. And check which relative has the Sun as his strongest planet. ie check the Sun’s shad-bala value in your software. Now in your next family function, observe how these two people interact. You can learn a lot of jyotish in action by observing your family members interacting with each other. Eg in my family, one relative’s Sun is his weakest planet with shad-bala value 0.82 and second ones’s Sun is the strongest planet in his chart at 1.6, I think it is obvious how their mutual interactions are like?
If, in your practice, you need to analyse such relationships, then look for the following pointers in his/her chart. Both men as well as women can be victims or the aggressors, so do not go by stereotypes.
First let’s check who can become an easy victim.
Check if the birth Moon is under stress, especially in the 6th or 12th house, influenced by Saturn, in a watery sign, debilitated, in the sign of an enemy planet, no support by benefics, in the same sign with Ketu, in the Shakata yog, lots of planets placed in the house 6th or 8th from it, etc in the birth chart or even in the Navamsha. As a general rule, if there are 3 or more combinations you can predict the physical results. More patterns seen in a chart indicate a very strong possibility, if they repeat in the Navamsha means a deep issue being carried over from several lives. This indicates a weak Moon who does not provide solid mental stability. It is very easy to hurt such people on the emotional or astral levels, their aura can be torn apart by energy, and then this leads to other problems. They can be driven to depression, psychological damage, addictions or even suicide (depending on the current dasha/transits).
In addition, if the ascendant lord is also similarly under stress, the person will find himself in situations which are uncomfortable for him. Always a fish out of water, unsettled, he cannot be at comfort in any environment. The personality cannot fit into the energies of the situation. The ascendant lord is the most important planet in the chart, he gives very deep reserves of strength, capacity and an ability to judge and navigate difficult situations. If he is unable to give auspicious results, the personality as a whole is becomes more fragile.
And finally if the Sun is also damaged or uncomfortable then the sense of self is weak, low level of self-esteem, low self confidence. It is very easy to make him feel guilty as he has has a low sense of self-worth. He can be made to work for others out of this guilt, even if others hurt him he will feel it was his fault and can be easily suppressed by someone who has a very powerful Sun expressing his malefic nature.
If you are such a person who can be a victim, you should manage your life and life expectations so that you avoid getting hurt. Avoid getting into deep emotional connections with a lot of people as you can be hurt by their behaviour very easily. Best would be to maintain close friendships with just a few, 1-2 tried and tested friends/ family members. Also marry someone only after matching horoscopes. Then you have to bring in some behavioural changes in yourself, like exercise daily, as this helps both the mind and the body. If you live near a gym go there regularly, people going to the gym are highly focussed, you can actually pick up ‘mental strength’ from their auras. Eat a proper diet, maintain your physical health. Express yourself, write a diary or blog. Positive vibes are important and keep away from dark depressing thoughts. Take up a job so that you are financially able to support yourself. In your vacations go to places which are near nature, hills or sea-beaches, high in positive energy, this also will help. Do some spiritual practice, try to increase your inner strength.
In the mother-daughter example above, the daughter, later in life, escaped from her narcissist mother. Then she got into a relationship with a young man who was the same sort. See the planetary combinations remain the same, and especially if they are in the Navamsha too they go very deep. So as you escape one toxic relationship, it is quite possible that you get into another one of the same type. It is very important that you analyse your own mindset and come up with some mechanism for self-support which will endure and you avoid getting into similar abusive relationships in future.
Now if your spouse or loved one is such a person who can be hurt easily. Then first think on if you really love him/ her. If you do love this person, ‘Love is a promise, not an emotion’. If you ask him about his life as a child/ teenager, you will realise that he was suppressed in some way. There was some emotional vacuum or trauma in his life as a child, which is still very much in his sub-conscious. So do your regular relationship things, do stuff together, go out, travel or watch your favourite TV shows. Be there for him if he needs you. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there gives immense mental strength. It does not mean that you treat him as a patient. Such people are very strong at some level, they have to be, to have survived such deep emotional hurt and still function. But if you also hurt them on the emotional levels, if you offer love/ hope and then suddenly yank it away, it is even more traumatic. This hurt can percolate into their subtle body and remains there, the impact is such that it can even take a few life-times to recover.
For who can be an aggressor, check if there are at least 3 powerful combinations which indicate narcissist cruelty. If you can get the Navamsha D9 in addition to the birth chart for this analysis it will give more accurate results. Just the birth chart can give the material results, eg beating up someone. But to enjoy beating up someone, to be indifferent to his pain, from the inside, this tendency can be confirmed from the D9. If just the D1 shows the combinations and the D9 is a bit better you can counsel this person to change his behaviour. But if the innermost core ie D9 is cruel then, in my experience, counselling does not help much. If it is only in the Navamsha it will be more typical as the narcissist combinations are hidden by the birth chart and will actually materialise only in his closest relationships. As always the tendencies are influenced by the transits/dashas.
The horoscope patterns will always indicate an exaggerated sense of self. In addition to the regular aspects, do check if the damaged planets are in the 5/9 axis from each other. The creativity/foundation axis. If you have overtly malefic planets in this 5/9 axis they amplify each others results very strongly in a self-feeding loop.
- A very strong Sun often with added malefic influences on him, or if he strong in the D1 but debilitated in the D9. Selfishness and focus on himself, uncaring about the feelings of others, incapable of equitable partnerships.
- An afflicted Mars/ Rahu will grant a streak of physical cruelty and Rahu is concerned about himself. Mars in the Manglik format almost often causes problems in relationships, so we check this factor and its intensity while matching horoscopes for marriage.
- An unfeeling nature is created when Saturn or Ketu influences the Moon, ascendent lord or the Sun. Saturn has additional aspects 3rd and 10th which are considered more malefic so do check if this exists. Dour, unemotional, strict, uncaring about the others pain/pleasure, looks on the relationship as a duty, can get punitive, can hit or hurt, without kindness.
- Then the mental processes become very typical if Mercury is in trouble. To logically rationalise that hurting the other is acceptable, a twisted thought pattern. Mercury is a very impressionable planet, if he is influenced by malefics, eg with such a malefic Sun, he will justify all the exaggerated sense of self produced by him. Mercury is also action, the courage to act, so he can contribute to physical abuse, ie hitting someone.
- A narcissist personality is often emotionally distant, so his Moon will be in an unhappy place, either in the dushamsthans, or even the 3rd house, with malefics. He will be unable to exert any significant beneficial influence on the personality. eg Someone is visibly in pain, asking you to stop and yet you go on hurting him, this sort of insensitive nature invariably indicates affliction to the Moon.
- The auspicious influences of Jupiter and Venus are unable to work on the personality.
- The ascendant lord will be strong but influenced by malefics.
If you feel that you are being victimised by a narcissist person in your life then see if this following is true in your relationship with him.
Do you feel like this around your partner or whoever you feel is suppressing you. Tense, unable to relax, unable to do your stuff without feeling anxious when he is with you. Feel like you should be looking for his comforts always. Do you arrange your behaviour, your desires and your needs keeping him in your mind. Before doing something do you first think if he would like it or not? Do you avoid doing or saying something that you really want to, only because he does not like it? Does your life revolve around him? Are his messages, his calls or being with him disproportionately important to you? Do you feel anxious if you do something he did not like? Eg if you said that you would be there by 6pm and if you are late by 10mins do you get into a panic attack as to what he will do to you now.
See, sometimes you do something because your partner likes it. And then your partner does notice that you did this extra thing and acknowledges it. Sometimes he too does something extra for you too because there is genuine affection from both sides. This is how regular people behave. If you are doing the above things all the time and he does not reciprocate, then it is not good for you, it is a suffocation for you.
Now try to analyse his behaviour. Does he or whoever you feel is suppressing you, do this sort of behaviour all the time. Get angry if he doesn’t get your undivided attention. Is touchy, very sensitive to real or imagined slights, cannot take criticism. Feels superior all the time and wants you to listen/ obey without question. Shows contempt for your view-points. Cannot acknowledge your needs and and feelings. Makes you feel ashamed for having emotions or desires, humiliates you in front of others? If something makes you happy, eg going for a drive, or for pizza, he will pointedly avoid doing it. But will do these very same things with other people. Seems very controlled in public but in private his behaviour is very different, he often attacks you emotionally/ verbally/ physically. Rationalises his hurtful actions with a logic which makes sense to him alone. Also tries to defame or accuse you in public. Is a perfectionist, eg will use branded goods and the best of material stuff. He might suffers from some sort of OCD or depression or anxiety issues himself. He feels vulnerable himself, insecure but in his own private thoughts (maybe he had a difficult childhood?). If you in a rare event say that you are leaving him, does he ‘love-bomb’ you? ie smother you with displays of affection, protestations of ‘i love you’ but as soon as you forgive him, he goes back to his usual uncaring self? If you have attempted to go against him or leave him, did he hurt you?
If you are a victim in such a situation, then this narcissist person will eventually destroy your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-confidence. Whatever it may be for him, is a toxic relationship for you. You should find some way out of this situation. Even if your relationship started off well. Even if you love this person, if the relationship has become damaging to you, on the physical /emotional /mental levels, then you should first think on what you really want and then act.
This sort of narcissist and victim relationship is, I think, relatively common where the hurt is more on the emotional side. No one believes the victim as there is no ‘proof’! So the victim somehow reconciles himself or suffers in silence, (generally more victims are women). But the deepest scars are the invisible emotional ones, where you cry into your pillow for months on end, with no hope or happiness in sight. However if the hurt is also physical also, then the friends/ neighbours/ doctor/ police do intervene and if the victim asks for help someone responds. There may be danger to his/or the children’s life. Abuse in any form emotional or physical is serious.
If you, after reading post, feel that you are a victim do try to at least talk to someone you trust. Try to change your situation, be safe. Or if as an astrologer you feel that your client is going through this, do try to counsel him so that he at least understands that this is violence against him. And if he wishes to take some action to improve his life, do help him as you can.
Also read this post on Abusive spouse from the horoscope
(There was a personal and lengthy question on this, I have tried to answer as I could. I wish we all be happy in our relationships with our loved ones)